when i was 16/and my friends were losing their virginities at pool parties/under pool tables/ in the dating pool/i was kept in a cage/and tied by shame
it wasnt that i was gay/i wasnt gay yet/i was just too disgusting/for them to allow the idea/of me having desires
they could talk about whatever they wanted/handjobs/blowjobs/post coital cleanup jobs/and i couldnt so much as mention/hands/adams apples/pretty eyes/nothing
it was disgusting/it was too gross/no one wants to hear that/my sexuality was repulsive/was it how i looked/was it who i was interested in/was it because i wasn’t as pretty as everyone else?
since i was a teenager/i was barred from having desire/i was shamed
now i have a desire to confront people with their shame/with their private moments/with the things they refuse to reckon with/things that are too familiar
i want to write about sad sex/about puking/and fucking/and drinking/and fighting/and cheating/and crying
you all love shame/you love a television spectacle/lives ruined in front of the camera/but you can’t take it/when it’s too close to your real life/because you know it’s true/you get dressed up for a night out/but the camera isn’t there to see you/bent over your toilet/screaming at your boyfriend/having boring sex with your neighbor who calls you his friend/getting back together with your ex/i am writing for you/do not look away
we are all ugly/we are all undesirable/at least sometimes
the books that populate the shelves/social media/they sit on your bedside table/you love them because its much easier/to imagine elves and knights fucking/than to be reminded of/a man who only wants to fuck you from behind/so he doesnt have to see your face/he doesnt have to look you in the eyes/we are all undesirable sometimes/even you
embrace shame/leash and collar your human discomfort/we are all undesirable/at least sometimes/but we are desirable too/thats what makes us human/i am desirable too/i see now/i had to be ashamed first/but maybe thats how we all feel/collapsing into ourselves/feeling shame/we have to break out of it/its the only way/i am desirable too
despite your best efforts/i can be desirable/too