HOW TO GET ZERO BITCHES

A guide from yours truly on how to be bitch-repellent.

“Bitches”. We use this as derogatory term, sure, but it doesn’t really mean bitches in the sense that they’re objects or something like that. In this article, “bitches” is just the culturally-hip term for “prospects” or “people you may or may not sleep with”. Fumbling is a skill set on its own, and it would be silly if I only talked about “slangin’ and bangin’” and not the other side of the coin. Jenny Hanover is for everyone, after all, and we can all be fumblers from time to time. Here’s how to find yourself bitchless, hoeless, and proud.

1. GATHER INFORMATION AND PLAY YOUR HAND

When you meet someone, real life or dating app, everyone knows you’re going to find some information. We all do it. The stalking isn’t what makes you bitchless- even the people who are rolling in bitches do this. It’s the spice of life. That’s how you find out that the pretty girl who works the city pool concession stand actually teaches spin classes downtown. The way to scare her away, however, is simple. Go up to her, strike up a normal conversation, and then lay it down- “hey! I read on the internet by googling your first and last name that you teach spin classes at the studio on 6th and Main! Wanna fuck?”. She will call the police on you immediately. Congratulations, another successful fumble. There’s this awesome article I read in Vice where this chick makes it a project to stalk a guy until he calls the cops on her. That’s dedication to the fumble.

2. TOUCH PEOPLE WHILE DANCING

If and only if you feel things are heating up, it’s acceptable to lay a light hand on someone while dancing. However, this is not a pickup guide. If you want to hear about that, refer to an older article on this page called Dancing: Do and Don’t. If you want people’s skin to crawl, you get those big sweaty grippers all over them. Push a girl and her friend apart like old-timey saloon doors every time you’re going back to get a drink from the sticky bar and then grind your soaked shirt all up on them.

3. ASK THEM “ARE YOU MAD AT ME” OR “DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG” WHEN YOU BARELY KNOW THEM

Picture this: you have a bitch on the horizon. You’ve been talking a little, and things are going really well. They send you songs, you laugh at their jokes, it’s perfect. One day, they send you one less text than the day before. You know what you’ve got to do- it’s time to be clingy. Pull out your phone and craft up the perfect message- “Did I do something wrong? Are you mad at me?”. It’s perfect, because they actually don’t know you at all and even if you’ve somehow had any form of intimacy, you clearly do not matter to each other so it’s in vain to even bother. Now you look clingy and insane. How could they be mad at you? You’ve never actually connected. They owe you nothing. Rejoice, they will never text you again.

4. LIE ABOUT FUCKING THE PERSON YOU’RE INTERESTED IN

The best way to terrify someone within an inch of their life is to go around to every Tom, Dick, and Sally in your scene that you might be mutually connected to and run your mouth about how you and the person you’re interested in had sex. Lie your ass off, talk about how they had your legs behind your head and wow, they’re so crazy and gosh, it was the best sex of your life. This news will travel quickly, especially if you’re truly bitchless because nobody will believe that this has any root in the god-honest truth. The next time you see them, they will probably slap you in the face. All you have is the lie, because after this you will never feel the touch of another again, especially not this person.

5. ACT DISINTERESTED

The best way to not get bitches is to lure them in and then act like you don’t care. Many see this is playing hard to get, but the truth is that nobody wants someone who is WILLINGLY hard to get. Playing hard to get only works if you’re weird, oblivious, or coy. If doesn’t work if you’re being actively disinterested. It’s not cute, and it guarantees that that person will be swiftly on to the next.

6. REPLY GUY

Reply guys are tragic figures in every girl’s story. They will, and my friend once said, “react with a fire emoji to every story you ever post and leave you messages that are nothing short of ‘I’m living in your walls’”. They will be in someone’s Instagram story replies talking to them like they’ve been married for years. Being a reply guy is lame, and while the guys in question appear to see it as a long game where they are laying in wait for the thing that’s theirs to come to them, the truth is that you will watch this girl’s life play out before your eyes through the tear-stained glass of your phone screen. If you become a reply guy, you will never get what you want, and that is why it’s a bitchless move.

7. SMELL BAD

This is self explanatory. If you reek like onions and your breath could turn someone’s hair white, you have already quit before you’ve started. Wash your ass.

8. BRAG ABOUT A HALF-BAKED HOBBY

This is how to be insufferable to the nth degree. Usually it’s men who decide to do this, but don’t think women are safe from it either. You need to pick a hobby that you probably have in common with the person you’re interested in. Let’s say it’s skateboarding. Now, you need to endlessly run your mouth about how much you love to skateboard and you’re so good at it blah, blah, blah. The other person will probably be able to sus out the fact that you’re lying, but still. It’s the commitment that matters. The real fumble comes when it’s time to put words into action. She’ll walk by one day when you say you’re going to be skating this park with these people, and she will realize that you are nowhere to be found. Or maybe you are there, with your never-used board ripping a bong on the sidelines. Getting caught in the lie is the true way to lose here.

So, there’s the guide. Follow through with this and you will have the joy of being a celibate pariah for the rest of your earthly days.

MYBESTFRIENDJENNYLIVESHERE.